Just Bailey

down and out

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 13:48:00 -0400

I had been down and out for some time now. Didn’t realize it until i had a mini breakdown and got put on some medication. WOW was i hermit for the past year. I realized i had no interest in anything, but i didn’t think it was such a big deal. All i did was go to work and come home and sleep. Everything suffered and in just a month of new medicine i have gotten so much accomplished! I’m so motivated!!

Work/Life Life/Work

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 22:03:49 -0500

People like to say my job took over my life, or work is my life. I don’t want my life to be my job. I want my lifes work to be something completely different from what it is now. Right now I have no “lifes work” all I have is a job. Work that I must do to survive. I want to so more than just survive. I need to do more. I need to create. Something. Art. Stories. Crafts. Garden. Something. My life has zero meaning to it these days. Work has taken over the most important time of my life and i need to do something about it to get my life BACK!! I soooooo want to do some writing. Not from this stupid phone tho. I mean really sit down and pound out a few chapters of one of the stories I have started. Or do some painting. Who knows. Frustrated with life being all about going to work each day. Then, to top it off……others that don’t want to work, get to sit on their asses and get handouts that I’m working for….so they can do whatever flights of fancy that tickles them that day. Lame. Hmf.

Photo

Mon, 21 May 2012 21:18:26 -0400

Wow. Haven’t been here in 3 months. Sad thing is, nothing new or exciting has been happening....

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 22:05:14 -0500

Wow. Haven’t been here in 3 months. Sad thing is, nothing new or exciting has been happening. Same old routine…working too much and not spending enough time with my family. Our ski vacation was cancelled (wasn’t practical to have Jer take time off when he just started a new job). I sorta just want to go to the local mountains…if it would only SNOW!! I do love San Diego weather, but we had maybe 1 day of winter this season and it SUCKS! I’m hoping we will just have a late winter…with snow in the local mountains thru June or July! That would be awesome! There was 1 year awhile back, where Jer took me to Mammoth for my birthday in July….and we had so much fun!! Skiing AND fishing! It was great. Id love to make that trip this year! Hmmmm, we will see.

ewilcox: Sometimes it takes every bone in your body not to respond to a “friend’s” Facebook status...

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 16:10:19 -0500

ewilcox:

Sometimes it takes every bone in your body not to respond to a “friend’s” Facebook status saying “JOE PA IS AN ABSOLUTELY AMAZING GUY, YOU’RE MY HERO, LOVE YA TILL THE END” with the comment “Amazing guys don’t enable the abuse and rape of children.”

I still haven’t fully decided NOT to respond with that, actually.

January 2010 our trip to Big Bear. Cant wait for the big ski...

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 23:59:27 -0400

January 2010 our trip to Big Bear. Cant wait for the big ski trip in 2012!!!! Hoping for Park City, but will settle for Lake Tahoe or Mammoth :-)

TYPOS

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 23:46:00 -0400

I do alot of this from my phone so PLEASE EXCUSE the typos. I try to catch them as I go, but sometimes i will be on a roll and forget to look up, then its too late. To try and go back and edit from my phone is just too time consuming and tedious. So, there they will stay, until I decide to get off my lazy ass and sign into my comuter & go back and correct them.

Career Choices

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 22:27:00 -0400

I used to love my job. I went to college to be a Special Ed teacher but got discouraged by all the politics in the public sector and quit. Then, when I had to get a job to support myself & my family, I went back to what I knew, dispatching, and back to the company I had worked for 15 years prior. At first, with the company under new management, I decided I was going to do the best I could and “work my way up”. But now, almost 9 years later and after giving up my personal life for the past 6 years after becoming a supervisor, I have decided that it was not worth it at all. My 2 children have suffered by not having a mother around, especially my youngest, Bree, who was only 5 years old when I got the job. Aryka, my oldest daughter, was 17 when I started working at this company so I had already done all the school age things with her. But my little one didn’t have a mom to attend her functions, or be there when she received awards. Thankfully her dad and great grandpa were there for her. But every little girl needs her mother and now that she is 13 we have become distant. I am almost a stranger to her. I work 10-12 hours a day (on a good day) then come home exhausted & just want to go to bed. When invited to functions I decline because I’m too tired, yet when work calls (because I’m on call 24/7) I jump right up and go in. I used to be so irresponsible with every single other job, that when I finally decided to buckle down and make something of myself, I think I went a bit overoard. Now though, I dont know how to back off, to make my family a priority. Besides that, I have a boss that expects me to be there for his company 24/7. Now, when I want vacation time, he gets mad. Its MY time earned, and i cant even use it without getting hassled. Its so frustrating. And what do I have to show for my loyalty to this company?? Absolutely NOTHING!!! Its not like I was one of those career girls that sacrificed everything to get ahead. I was a dumbass that sacrificed everything for someone else’s business. When my husband was laid off and had to go on unemployment, he was getting 900.00 every 2 weeks and it was like a slap in the face to me because it was more than what I brought home and I work my ass off!! Then, to top it all off, I had to have spinal fusion surgery this last May and rather than my boss wishing me well, or wishing me a speedy recovery, he was pissed. He said I was fine and I was making a mistake. Then he said I was becoming a liability. Really?! A liability?! I had not called in sick 1 single day my entire time there!! (Well, not since I had become supervisor I hadn’t. There was ONE time that i hurt my back on the job and missed 2 days of work….but I didn’t report it to workmans comp! I sucked it up & said I did it at home so I wouldn’t piss off my boss, but he still got mad that I had to take 2 days off). Anyway, so I was out of work for 10 weeks for the spinal fusion and everyone was telling me how they “needed” me back because my boss was so horrible to everyone while I was gone. He sat in my office and ran my department in my absence and when I returned, instead of appreciating me more (which is what I secretly wished would happen), he was mad at me and didn’t speak to me for a couple of weeks. Whenever I walked past him in the hallway or at a meeting, he would roll his eyes at me because I was using a cane. As if he thought I was faking or something. It was very disheartening. Then when he finally did decide to speak to me again, his first comment was sarcasm about how I really look like I’m in better shape than before. When I tried to explain to him that I would be in the long run, he just snickered. Basically, the whole thing made me realize that he doesn’t appreciate me one bit. He wasn’t going to be there to support me when my back finally gave out and I couldn’t work anymore, Yet he was against me having this surgery (which would hopefully fix my back & remove the possibility of ever having any further problems) because it interfered with HIS business. Anyway, I completely rambled just then, and all I meant to say was, I am not appreciated and need to make a career choice for myself rather than a job that chose me. I am wasting away in a menial job and I am no longer challenged and I no longer have the drive to go to work everyday. Every morning I wake up and want to call in sick. But I don’t. I’m saving it for a day that I really just can’t take it anymore. Trust me, when you call in sick to my boss, it better be worth it or you better be half dead because he gives you big shit and tries to force you to come in anyway. Everyone is afraid to call in sick to him. At this point though, I really don’t give a crap. My family has suffered because of the long hours and sacrifces. Maybe if I were compensated financially I wouldnt be complaining so much because then I would have sacrficed my family for SOMETHING (which is still wrong), but I don’t have a damn thing to show for all my hard work. Not a damn thing. I’m so over it.

An Invite To See His Ex

Thu, 01 Sep 2011 04:38:02 -0400

So, Jeremys sister, Tanya sent him a text inviting him to go to a bonfire Thursday to see Candice, his ex gf, who is in town. Oh, yeah, if you want to bring Karyn (your WIFE) and Bree (your Daughter), they can come too. (I aded the WIFE & DAUGHTER thing, she just said, Karyn & Bree) Really?! I just don’t know how I feel about this. Jeremy is such an honest person though, he of course told me about the invitation. He actually read me the text message. Then he told me he wants me to look “hot” if we do go to the bonfire. Who has a bonfire on a Thursday night? Wait, what I really mean to say is, WHO DOES THAT?! Who invites their brother someplace to see their exgirlfriend?! If that’s not telling about her feelings towards me. My first reaction was to be pissed off at Tanya. Now, I just seriously think this whole family has no common sense what so ever. So many things are done and said that make absolutley no sense. I am constantly asking myself “Who does that?”, so I guess this I just another one of those moments. But I’m still not sure if we are going. Jeremy did tell me if I didn’t go with him, he wasn’t going. I have no interest in meeting this chick. Why would I? Why would Tanya invite Bree to come along? “Oh, by the way Bree, this COULD HAVE been your mommy”….its just so weird. Maybe if it were some sort of daytime group gathering and Tanya added, “oh, by the way Candice is in town, so she will be there” then it wouldn’t seem so odd. But then, to top it all off, Tanya comes by the house today to try and talk Jeremy into going Thursday (tomorrow) night, and when he said he wasn’t sure because we both work the next day, and when she found out I was sleeping at that moment, she tried to get him to go RIGHT THEN and meet up with Candace at a bar!! WTF?! That took the cake with me!!! It sounds like either Candace is trying to secretly hook up with Jeremy and is using Tanya to do the arranging of the meet, or Tanya doesn’t care for me and would rather have him back with her bff. Either way, Tanya is being shady and I don’t approve. Don’t fuck with my marriage!! Just because you have no integrity in your relationships does not give you the right to try and mess up mine!! Thank God Jeremy is more honest a person than his sister is. He would never do half the stuff she has done to her significant others. He is honest to a fault. But its one of the many things I love about him. I’m not worred about this chick Candace, I’m just pissed off about how underhanded and sneaky the whole thing is coming across. I definately don’t trust Tanya anymore. Oh well, we will see what happens tomorrow. Good night.

Good Day

Mon, 22 Aug 2011 02:53:00 -0400

This is gonna be totally boring so don’t even waste your time reading it. I just felt like writing about my day today, so here goes… I woke up grumpy, with a terrible sinus headache. It was sorta early for me, and for a Sunday, 8:30am. Jeremy said he was gonna cook breakfast so I got up so we could eat together. Having meals together is VERY important to him. Since I was grumpy, I was sorta mad that I had to get up & eat rather than lay around and nurse my headache, but luckily, my headache went away right after I had a cup of coffee. After breakfast I told Jeremy that I had a lot of chores t do around the house today & he said he would help. We got soooo much done together! Normally I the cleaning with him because he likes to be so orderly and organized about it, while I’m very ADD with my cleaning, just all over the place. He stuck to his way of cleaning, and I mine, and we realy got a lot done. Around 2:00pm I was pooped and mentioned to Jeremy that he needed to catch up on the Marvel Comic movies (I had already watched Captain America & Thor) & he said “Cool, let’s watch em now”, so we did. Since I had already seen them, I did laundry while watching them. We ordered pizza during the 2nd movie & once it was over, the Charger game was on so Jeremy had a beer and watched the game. I went upstairs n watched my DVR’d shows & played with Dennis. Overall, we had a really good day. We did a lot of laughing and just enjoyed each others company. We need more days like this. I really appreciate Jeremy for letting me be who I am and for dealing with my “moods”, but I don’t show him enough. I need to work on that. I have a feeling this is going to be a good week. Let’s hope I’m right! See, if you got this far, then you know I was right, this is pretty boring :-) But, I had a great day and felt like writing about it.

Therapy Session "Viewpoints"

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 04:57:43 -0400

Funny how people can be raised in the same household yet have such different stories to tell. If you asked my sister how she was raised or what it was like for her, she will say that I was the one that made her life miserable. Apparently, I tortured her growing up, picked on her relentlessly, and continue to treat her poorly. The way I remember it, my mother was extremely abusive and took the worst out on my sister (the middle child). I fought with my siblings as siblings will do, however, I was always 1st to stand up for my sister. As a result of the abuse that was dished out to my sister, I completely disrespectful and even hated my mother growing up. I fought with my mother, talked back to her, stood up to her, even stopped speaking to her & at one point even refused to allow her to ever see MY daughter again, in an attempt to get her to stop being so abusive and unfair to my sister. My sister rarely knew why I was not speaking to my mother or what our latest fight was about, I never wanted to make things worse for my sister by hurting her even more with the details of the ignorant, stupid things my mother was still doing that had me reacting in this way. So I let my sister think, I was the bad guy for being so mean to our mom. It was just easier that way. Little did I know, my sister would grow up to always protect our mother. That she would be in such denial to all the abuse that, in her eyes she would always present our mother in the purest light. Somone who could never do wrong. Meanwhile I am painted as the monster. I am the one she grew up to hate. I am the one who, everytime she is drunk, she can’t stop badmouthing. Now, my mother and sister have morphed into the exact same human being. They live in the same sick world of “shhhhhh, just don’t talk about it, and we will all pretend it doesn’t exist and never happened”. My mother is a codependent, in a mentally abusive (was physically abusive but age stopped that) relationship with a raging alcoholic, and my sister is the alcoholic who is verbally abusive and angry with everyone around her when she drinks & is also in an unhealthy relationship. They both stay because of low self esteem and they think they can’t do any better. Or maybe they feel they don’t deserve better. Yeah, if they were to ever see this (never happen btw) they would both argue that they “love” their significant others, but really? You LOVE the abuse? You LOVE not being able to trust them? You LOVE being the only one with a job? You LOVE being treated like shit? Yeah, that sounds like love to me. The thing is, if anyone on the outside were to ever ask either of them about their “men”, they will outright lie, to paint a perfect picture, so that anyone looking in will see all rainbows and sunshine rather than the tears & struggles that’s really going on. I write all this about the men in their lives because its amazing to me how much my sister’s life parallels our mothers. The person that abused her & treated her so poorly as a child, is the person she tries to model her life after and I, only 2 yrs older than my sister, & was able to see & realize it was wrong and did my best to stick up for her the only way I knew how, somehow becomes enemy # 1. Somehow all the stories of our childhood revolve around me being the abuser. I made her life miserable….and apparently still do. We have a brother. He is the youngest. 1 year younger than her. I would be curious to know how he views our childhood and if he too thinks I was so abusive and mean. I know for a fact he talks about our childhood fights and rivalries, but not in the way that she does…as “abuse”, but as funny childhood memories. What I’m curious to ask him is if he felt I picked on her. I would hate for that to be true. I know that children follow their parents lead in the treatment of others and I hope I wasn’t this person my sister portrays me as in her memories. I remember always being there for her, taking her side, fighting her battles…..yes, as young adults we totally had a falling out, but I’m talking about our childhood. Its our childhood where our stories differ so drastically.

I know this went on and on far too long. Maybe I’m making to much of this. The thing is, we are 44 & 46 years old now and she still, to this day, gets drunk and bad mouths me to whoever will listen. Even at work, when she is not drunk, she tells stories about how “mean” I am and “poor her” all the time. Its just getting a little old. I suppose I just needed to vent, because even if my brother says to me that I didn’t pick on her the way she says, I will never confront her about it, because that would mean having to tell her my reasons for being mean to my mother when we were younger & I just can’t bring myself to tell her those horrible things. So I guess I will call this my “therapy session” and just move on with my life and hope that one day my mother and sister can get some counseling and heal.

Want these in BLACK!!

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 01:24:42 -0400

Want these in BLACK!!

Beginner

Mon, 08 Aug 2011 02:56:15 -0400

I have tried this tumblr thing once before, but from my phone. It was very limited. I think, as with othere things, i shoud start on the full site first until i learn how to navigate the site, then maybe i will upload the mobile app & try the phone thing again. I cant even figure out how to find people i know yet!!!! Geez. Im already frustrated, so i think I will just go to bed and come back to this tomorrow.

My favorite shoes. I cant wait until my back is completely...

Mon, 08 Aug 2011 02:27:00 -0400

My favorite shoes. I cant wait until my back is completely healed and I can wear them again!!! They miss meeeeeeee!!!!!